Our Most Successful Parenting Trick

My wife Christine and I have tried many different parenting methods over the years with varying degrees of success.  But probably the most successful single tactic we've tried has been when we typed out all of the rules--and their appropriate consequences if not followed--and put them up on the wall where the kids could see them.  No matter how clear we thought the rules were before we typed them out, they were never so clearly understood as they are now.

Here's a practical example of what USED to happen before we typed out these rules:

1. We clearly tell the kids what time they need to be in bed and administered proper discipline when necessary, and it works the first few days.
2. We make a special exception on some given day(s).
3. We are more relaxed about it on some other day (cuz we don't really care to be drill sergeants that day).
4. After the kids start taking advantage of our relaxed attitudes (staying up way too late and dragging out bedtime to be a very long process), we try to enforce it again with the original consequences (to the best that we can remember them).  And the kids are confused because they thought that the bedtime had changed.  What gives?
5. We feel a little uneasy about holding them to the original strict standard because we know we haven't been consistent about it the last few days and can see how there is confusion.

Now that we have written out the rules and put them on the wall, here is how the situation plays out:

1. We point to the typed rule sheet so the kids know what time they need to be in bed and what are the consequences if they aren't in bed on time (they'll have an extra chore the next day).  We note that they will get no reminders from us.  It's THEIR job to watch the clock or set their own reminders.
2. We make a special exception on some given day to let them stay up.  The written rules explicitly state that all exceptions are single-day exceptions, and if we don't EXPLICITLY state that they're getting an exception, then they're still responsible for being in bed on time.
3. Another day, one of them is still walking around when the daily alarm on our phone goes off (which indicates that they are already too late), so we mark on their charts that they have an extra chore the next day (generated on our phones from our custom Chore Generator: http://moritzfamily.com/chores).
4. If/when a kid tries to say that they thought something had changed, we say "Well, look at the rules on the wall.  Where did they change?  They're the same as before?  Okay, then I'm glad we've cleared up this confusion."
5. They do the chore the next day (as a prerequisite to doing anything fun), and we're all satisfied that the rules have remained unchanged.

This has been successful in our family for a few reasons:

1. It emphasizes personal responsibility (the kids go to bed without being told, kids set timers to limit their own video game time without being told, etc.)
2. It is consistent and doesn't morph unless we explicitly change it.
3. It forces us to hold ourselves responsible as parents to giving them consistent structure.

This approach to the rules has been excellent in our family.  We have had virtually no arguments at bedtime (or even having to tell them it's bedtime) since we started it, and they've limited their screens without the need for us as parents to nag them.

I highly recommend this tactic for our parenting friends.  Feel free to contact me if you'd like to have a copy of our written rules to use as a template to help you create a set for your own parenting.